My first day back at the gym was like my first day in elementary school in the U.S -- palms sweating, heart pounding, and feeling all kinds of nervous.
I don't belong here. Maybe I should go home.
I immigrated to the United States at nine, and was sent straight to regular school. On my first day, I stood nervously outside the classroom as all the kids prepared themselves at their desks. They were chit chatting in laughter, just like the way my classmates and I did back in Shanghai.
Oh how I wanted to be apart of that! But I didn't know a word of English. So I stood outside, where I belonged, until a boy named Clay* walked over and asked, "why don't you come in?"
Then I realized: He expects me to go in, because just like him, I am welcome here. The only person stopping me is myself.
I was a proud one. Never had a problem walking -- no, prancing -- into a gym.
I belonged at the gym, with all the hard bodies sculpting themselves to perfection. The gym was my haven and my sanctuary, where I spent the glory days.
I must have been in denial after my first was born. Merely weeks after a c-section, I squeezed into super tight workout clothes, pretending that a 7-pound baby never lived inside. When I look at photos from back then, I feel a flash of embarrassment: how foolish of me to be too proud to notice that I looked like the Michelin Tire Man!
This time, I am older, humbler, but also self-conscious.
No longer shielded with a hard body, I stood nervously outside the gym, like the vulnerable 9-year-old immigrant who did not know a word of English.
Look at those hard bodies inside: chiseled arms and solid abs! And look at me: flabby and loose and droopy...And as thoughts of loathing and deprecation edged me to give up and go home, a voice asked, "going in?"
"Yeah." I replied to the stranger waiting behind me at the door, and walked -- no, pranced -- right in.
He expected me to go in, because just like him, I am welcome here.
I don't belong here. Maybe I should go home.
Why Don't You Come In?
I immigrated to the United States at nine, and was sent straight to regular school. On my first day, I stood nervously outside the classroom as all the kids prepared themselves at their desks. They were chit chatting in laughter, just like the way my classmates and I did back in Shanghai.
Oh how I wanted to be apart of that! But I didn't know a word of English. So I stood outside, where I belonged, until a boy named Clay* walked over and asked, "why don't you come in?"
Then I realized: He expects me to go in, because just like him, I am welcome here. The only person stopping me is myself.
The Prouder You Were, The Stupider You Feel.
I was a proud one. Never had a problem walking -- no, prancing -- into a gym.
I belonged at the gym, with all the hard bodies sculpting themselves to perfection. The gym was my haven and my sanctuary, where I spent the glory days.
I must have been in denial after my first was born. Merely weeks after a c-section, I squeezed into super tight workout clothes, pretending that a 7-pound baby never lived inside. When I look at photos from back then, I feel a flash of embarrassment: how foolish of me to be too proud to notice that I looked like the Michelin Tire Man!
This time, I am older, humbler, but also self-conscious.
I Don't Belong Here.
No longer shielded with a hard body, I stood nervously outside the gym, like the vulnerable 9-year-old immigrant who did not know a word of English.
Look at those hard bodies inside: chiseled arms and solid abs! And look at me: flabby and loose and droopy...And as thoughts of loathing and deprecation edged me to give up and go home, a voice asked, "going in?"
"Yeah." I replied to the stranger waiting behind me at the door, and walked -- no, pranced -- right in.
He expected me to go in, because just like him, I am welcome here.
The only person stopping me is myself.
Weekly Weigh In
It has been one week since returning to the gym. Although I have not lost much, I feel much healthier.Fitness After Pregnancy Progress Chart
Date |
Photo |
Weight (lbs.) |
12/13/2012 (8 weeks postpartum) |
 |
118.8 |
Date |
Photo |
Weight (lbs.) |
11/29/2012 (6 weeks postpartum) |
 |
119.4 |
Date |
Photo |
Weight (lbs.) |
11/08/2012 (3 weeks postpartum) |
 |
121.8 |
Date |
Photo |
Weight (lbs.) |
10/31/2012 (2 weeks post partum) |
 |
124.2 |
Date |
Photo |
Weight (lbs.) |
10/13/2012 (1 week before due date) |
 |
145 |
Date |
Photo |
Weight (lbs.) |
02/2012 (Pre-Pregnancy) |
 |
108 |
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